Friday is the day, folks, when all the greeting card companies, chocolate producers, and flower shops in the United States break even. That’s right, the wonderful holiday that singles out the singles and tells them, “You are all alone, so let’s just rub that in your face!” Also, it’s Valentine’s Day. Here on the Wednesday What If, I wanted to give you a little help in finding that perfect Valentine’s Day gift for that special evil someone in your life.
Buckle your seatbelts, folks. Prepare to have your minds blown. For the first time in the history of “Wednesday What If…” I will ask multiple what if questions.
What could the ruler of Latveria, and soon the world, possible appreciate as a show of love and affection on this special day? We know that Doom is all about world domination. That means that he wants to have everything, right? Answer: Whitman’s Sampler, everything in a box.
What If… Joker was your Valentine?
We know that Joker is pretty much insane. Which means that his Valentine’s present is a little too easy. Answer: Assorted chocolate covered nuts.
What If… Green Goblin was your Valentine?
The Green Goblin has been many different people over the history of the character. He deserves something that encompasses the whole of what it means to be the Green Goblin. Answer: A poem.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
The Joker is crazy and so are you!
The lord of Apokolips and follower of the Anti-Life equation should still have something that make his little heart go pitter pat. The opposite of life is death, so he would probably enjoy some symbol that was living but was killed just to be a gift. Answer: A dozen roses.
What If… Mr. Sinister was your Valentine?
Mr. Sinister, long time “friend” of Wolverine and the X-Men, is a mutant who experiments on other mutants trying to create the perfect creation. He would most likely enjoy something that can be manipulated and changed or shaped. Answer: A heart made out of Play-Doh.
Sinestro, the leader of the Sinestro Corps and wielder of the power of fear. There is only one thing related to fear that I can think of in regards to Valentine’s Day that doesn’t have to do with clowns or arrows shot through your body. Answer: Commitment.
I hope this at least made you laugh a little or groan in sadness that my mind works this way. If you have not received enough of a dose of craziness from this episode of Wednesday What If, you can check out previous columns. If you have someone in your life that fits any of the above profiles, be sure to tell them where you got the idea for their perfect Valentine’s Day gift. If not, there is always this year’s convention circuit.
Please remember that this column is irreverent, comical, and, at times, potentially offensive. Any hurt feelings incurred by reading this are completely in your own mind and not my fault. I hope you come back next week and find out some secrets about your favorite heroes that no one ever talks about in the comic books.