Friday 29th May 2015,
Comic Booked

Unpainted Lead: Toymallet 40 Cents

Richard Wilcox 03/27/2012 Reviews

I planned to review a large and growing in popularity wargame this week. Something to change the tide of low budget, free, or out of print games I’ve written about in the past. But unfortunately due to some extreme circumstances I found myself in the bowels of an Elder God and had no choice but to fight my way out of the darkness amid battling insanity and plush toys the whole way. Upon escape I caught up with some cultists who took me to the nearest shrine of darkness for examination. There they advised me I had a slight case of a missing frontal lobe, but assured me that it would not affect my ability to write a wargame column.

This week, we have Toymallet 40 Cents by Games Parodyshop from Jenniverse, a free to download 13 page PDF file of toy warfare!

Welcome to the world of totally cheap tabletop wargaming! Why spend buckets of cash on a superior, worthwhile product when you can download this crappy cheap ass parody of Warhammer 40K? Now you too can roll fistfulls of dice to see who splits whose testicles open on the bloody field of battle, otherwise known as the kitchen table. Now, you too can have no life and be the sort of nerd who even furries snicker at: a grognard, a wargamer. This and more is all yours for cheap as free with TOYMALLET 40 Cents!

Stormtroopers chasing down a droid.

Toymallet 40 Cents version 3.14159 is a work of love and fandom, designed to be a simplified version of Warhammer 40k with sturdy enough rules that anyone could pick up whatsoever surplus of toys, figurines, or extremely patient cats dressed in tutus to play a game without the massive investment of its mainstream counterpart.

Trying out such a game first hand, I knew the only way to play it was with the toys I could find on hand as opposed to using miniatures that are built for such wargaming. Unfortunately the time I designated to play test happened to be the same moment my kids were down for quiet time, so I couldn’t draft their toy boxes for my army. Therefore, I went to the next level. That’s right, I used my Legos! Though I didn’t have a massive collection to pull from, I drafted together a few squads for a simple skirmish.

Two forces faced off on the alien planet known as Office Floor amid a tall nylon plant plain. Remnants of crashed ships scattered the battlefield giving adequate cover for soldiers as they moved into place. The objective: Steal the dragon’s gold and kill the opposition.

The Toymallet 40 Cents Battlefied with LegosToymallet 40 Cents brings quick play rules to the forefront. The longest part of the game was establishing a basic command structure, giving out special abilities to figures, and keeping the teams balanced. Once that was established the game play went smooth and surprisingly fast. I was able to play this small skirmish in under a half hour due to the game limiting play to only six rounds. Though if I were playing a larger scale game I’d be tempted the raise said limit.

Combat is comprehensive; one player rolls to attack, the other rolls to defend, and Tactical points are used to alter bad rolls. Admittedly, I thought it looked too simplified. Tactical Points are bonus points used to change a die roll by one; they are given via coverage, terrain usage, abilities and the luck of the roll. They will make or break any combat phase giving the battle a bit more strategy to work with.

As always in wargaming, terrain is a must and will keep a good game going without turning into trench warfare; Toymallet 40 Cent is no exception to that as they even provide bonuses for proper uses of surroundings as well as giving points for pinning down an opponents piece.Droid gunning down stormtroopers

Though I didn’t incorporate all of them into the game I played, there are a wide variety of abilities to fill out the ranks of any game with any action figures you dare have enter the Thunder Dome. Fair warning, balancing out melee specific pieces is almost not worth it when against ranged opponents, so I recommend your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to only fight against foes like the Thundercats or My little Pony. Pieces die quickly after only a single successful hit, so if you’re looking for a good long game, I recommend larger armies with a good objective in the mix.

I highly recommend this game for anyone testing the waters, or those who just want something fun to play without a massive investment. And if for nothing else, Toymallet 40 Cents is a good humorous read worth looking over.

What toys in your (Or your child’s) collection will you use for your army and why?

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About The Author

I like to play games, write about them and sometimes make them. Sometimes I make films too.

  1. InfaPlat 03/27/2012 at 3:52 pm

    Dude. You have no idea. I would totally make a My Little Pony skirmish. It would work so well. Earth ponies would make up the ground force. Pegasuses would get the ranged combat done 20% better in 10 seconds flat. Need Magic based attacks? Have some Unicorns!

    …..Aww man I want to do this now. Maybe for Skirmish in Public day! (Which by the way everyone is August 8th!)

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