“So they’re bringing back Captain Marvel.”
“Yeah, and it’s about time. The thirty-somethings who read superhero comics are demanding a more innocent hero, the kind we can tell ourselves that eight-year-olds want to read comics about.”
“But he’s not called Captain Marvel.”
“There is, in case you were unaware, another comics publisher and major media empire also called ‘Marvel.’ They have three characters that have been named Captain Marvel. One of them is really famous for dying of cancer. Sometimes you just have to realize you’re not going to win the fight, you know? Sometimes you have to cut your losses, and get out of Vietnam.”
“So he’s called Shazam. After the acronym that gives him his powers whenever he says it.”
“Right.”
“So how is that going to work, exactly?”
“What do you mean?”
“Say he saves some people from a burning building, and the firemen are standing around saying, ‘Gee, thanks, mister! Who the heck are you? We want to get your name in the newspaper!’ So he says, ‘I’m Shazam.’ But HE JUST SAID THE MAGIC WORD “SHAZAM,” SO LIGHTNING FLASHES DOWN AND TURNS HIM BACK INTO BILLY BATSON. AND KILLS EVERYONE HE JUST SAVED.”
“I seem to remember the lightning being pretty targeted. It didn’t hit anyone other than Billy, unless he moved really fast away from it. In those cases, it usually hit Superman instead, like in Kingdom Come and Justice League Unlimited. I always pictured the lightning sort of getting confused, and continuing to hit Superman at random intervals even when Captain Marv– uh, Shazam was in a different city.”
“Okay, fine. He’s still a superhero who can’t say his OWN NAME without giving away his identity, and making himself vulnerable to his enemies.”
“Like Captain Marvel, Junior.”
“…Wait. What.”
“It’s true! Captain Marvel’s magic word was ‘Shazam,’ and so was Mary Marvel’s, but Captain Marvel, Junior’s magic phrase was ‘Captain Marvel.’ So he couldn’t say his own name, but that was okay because the Marvel family was getting pretty crowded by the time he came along. I mean, he didn’t get to say much anyway.”
“But Shazam is an acronym. It stands for Solomon’s wisdom, Hercules’ strength, Atlas’ stamina, Zeus’ power, Achilles’ invulnerability and Mercury’s speed. What is CAPTAIN MARVEL supposed to stand for?”
“The C is for ‘Captain Marvel powers,’ the A is for ‘Acronyms are overrated,’ the P is for ‘Play outside already,’ and the other letters are just letters.”
“It still seems like this ‘I can’t name myself’ thing would be kind of awkward at social events.”
“Well, the Shazam family of superheroes didn’t really mingle much.”
“Maybe that’s why.”
“Maybe they won’t keep the ‘say Shazam to transform’ rule. Maybe he’ll say ‘Shazam’ to turn into Shazam, and ‘Billy’ to turn into Billy. Nice, simple, easy.”
“Sure, until the first time he has to tell concerned friends how he got saved from a tornado by a superhero. ‘I got rescued by ol’ Lightning Bolt-Tummy.’ He’ll sound like kind of a jerk, you know? Why can’t he call this noble hero by his proper name?”
“He’s a kid. He’s allowed to be a jerk.”
“Is he? I mean, based on these preview pages, he looks about twenty-five.”
“What I want to know is, if his name is Shazam now, what about the wizard formerly known as Shazam?”
“That’s right! He needs a name now. Something mystical and mentory, like ‘Dumbledalf Kenobi.’”
“The D is for ‘Destiny.’ As in, ‘It is your destinyyyyy to learn the power of the magic lightning! But not the Flash’s lightning. And not Black Lightning’s lightning. The otherrrrr physics-defying lightningggggg…’ The other D is also for ‘Destiny.’”
“Well, of course.”
Tags: billy batson, Captain Marvel, Captain Marvel Junior, Comic, comic booked, Comics, DC, humor, Justice League Unlimited, Marvel, mary marvel, overheard, Shazam
About the Author
Written by T Campbell
T Campbell is a prolific writer, co-scriptwriter of Guilded Age, and writer of QUILTBAG, Fans, Penny and Aggie, Rip and Teri, and more. He's also the creator of the world's largest New York Times-standard crossword puzzle.
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